Monday, October 03, 2005

The Images I Can't Get Out of My Head No Matter How Hard I Try...

The spider I fed the moth to.

That man’s face up in mine... Uninvited.

The butterfly on my radiator. It’s still there... Slowly, ever so slowly decaying.

All the blood on that potato from where I tried to peel it while "under the influence"... Luckily, I was able to rinse it off and continue peeling because being "under the influence" dulled the arthritis in my hands. The lesser of two evils?

My Dad’s lips sown together.

Allen king in the Elvis costume.

Tent city.

The crack in the sidewalk.

The hole in his back.

The face in the mirror.

The smile on his face that said "Thanks, but no thanks"

The smile on her face that said "I'm sorry, I can’t help you"

The look on it’s face as it tore me to shreds in a dream... The same look that my Dad had when he ‘administered punishment’ for me asking to go outside to play after my sister did.

The look on my mom’s face the first time she saw me drunk.

The thin in the mirror... The fat in the mirror.

The innocent smile on his face, and the disdain on her face when she saw me smile back at her son... As she rolled the tinted window up. I’ve never felt so diseased in my life. And that was on one of my good days.

The look on his face before he took advantage of me.

The look on his face, up in mine, uninvited.


Blogger Fred said...

OK, I'll be back tomorrow after I've read this a few times. I'm a bit slow...

10:15 PM  
Blogger RT said...

I would say not to worry, Fred, it's just snapshots of some sad/embarrassing moments of my life...

But I have to admit, I am curious as to how you interpreted it.

10:31 PM  
Blogger An80sNut said...

I find this quite disturbing yet very poetic. You're definitely a keeper.

12:44 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Wow. I'm at a loss for words, RT. If I find some, I'll be sure to be back with them.

2:17 AM  
Blogger Vavoom said...

Man, this was a sad and powerful post, RT.

Okay, a bit of levity -- Another image you won't be able to get out of your head... Vavoom in briefs, nothing else.

10:50 AM  
Blogger LoraLoo said...

Leave it to Vavoom for some comic relief...

Powerful stuff. I'm going to have to read it a couple of times too... it's like one of those movies you see over and over and discover something new you didn't see before.

1:01 PM  
Blogger Linny said...

some things...

we should never forget.

1:16 PM  
Blogger Fred said...

Vavoom in briefs. There goes a good day.

I did get the sad/embarrassing moments out of the post. The last few were very powerful. I'm at a loss to respond to that.

What confused me was the "crack in the sidewalk.” What was that one about?

I'll tell you, I have to really sharpen up when I come over here. You're always getting us to think.

Except Vavoom, that is. (Oh, and Martin has his moments, too.)

5:21 PM  
Blogger An80sNut said...

Fred - Dhoh! I came in second. I guess that evens things up between me and Vavoom for awhile.

5:34 PM  
Blogger Vavoom said...

Why did I not choose boxers? Doesn't that make you guys think?

Honestly, RT, images are illusory. They define a reality that is gone, not the present moment that currently defines us. Although the images are in your head, try not to "get them out." Simply acknowledge them. Let them pass. In that process, they will no longer hold a stranglehold over your well being.

5:39 PM  
Blogger RT said...

I hear ya Vavoom, but you know, that's sometimes easier said than done (letting them pass.) Especially when some of it is unresolved.

You guys are right though, sometimes it's better not to forget stuff because it lends understanding to situations that others may not be able to understand... But come on, some of these images are just not helpful under any circumstances, yet they still haunt me from time to time. What do you guys do with your unwanted images?

The crack in the sidewalk. Ever hear that saying when you were a kid, "step on a crack, break your mother's back"? Why do people tell their kids crap like that? To this day, if I'm walking along and catch myself stepping on a crack, I feel guilty about it. Like, why am I being so careless with my mother's health? I know it's irrational, but it's just one of those things that ya wish you had never heard.

7:29 PM  
Blogger RT said...

PS: You in your briefs is an image I'd like to have stuck in my head, Vavoom... So when are you going to send a pic??? :D

7:31 PM  
Blogger Fred said...

Nooooooooooooo. Don't ask him for a pic - are you crazy?

8:25 PM  
Blogger Vavoom said...

RT: Ask and ye shall receive:

The process I describe is a means of resolution. Give it a try. Be a witness to the emotions that arise from each image. Experience the pain without being swept away by the sorrow. Remember what we discussed -- the footpath and the river.

8:35 PM  
Blogger An80sNut said...

Hmmm... unwanted images. I tend to black a lot of things out. They do haunt me but there is little that I can do about them. I just try to remember that the now is the now I take charge of and the then is what I have risen above. Knowing the things that you can change and that which you can't is as tenuous as sanity and lack of.

9:13 PM  
Blogger Fred said...

I knew there was a reason I was a Republican.

9:26 PM  
Blogger RT said...

I can appreciate that, Vavoom. But in all honesty, I'm not being swept away with sorrow (it's not like I'm going to shoot myself in the head over it...) It just some sad stuff that's happen to me and that I've seen, and sometimes it just comes back to mess with me.

As for it being unresolved, that's what I mean, it's unresolved... I'm still in the middle of it and I'm not quite sure of how to handle it. And unfortunately, it's not something I can talk about.

11:25 PM  
Blogger Layla said...

We all have images in our minds that we would rather forget...great subject for a post. I think I am like you, I try to push them out. Sometimes they haunt me. Sometimes I force myself to examine the ugliness of my past in order to move on. Sometimes I just pretend it never happened.

Whatever it is you're going through, I sense that you will handle it well. about Vavoom in his undies.... :)

11:42 PM  
Blogger Linny said...

Some professor told me once that the "step on a crack, break your mother's back" came from puritan times when parents would tell their DAUGHTERS that if they had a "mis-step" in their lives they would "break their mother's hearts" and cause them grief... it apparently became a nursery rhyme of sorts and finally came to it's current state.

Goes back to the Santa Claus lie...

7:35 AM  
Blogger thc said...

Very powerful, RT.

10:45 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

All is I can say is wow... Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Once again you amaze me :)

8:26 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

Damn it.. I hate to cry. You totally made me cry.

3:23 PM  

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