You Can't Always Blame The Parents
OK, I’m so irritated that I couldn’t wait for a response, Fred. I’m sorry.
I am so sick of hearing people say, "You can’t always blame the parents." To me, that’s a cop-out. Why the hell can’t you blame the parents? Are these kids suppose to raise themselves? (And yes, I'm talking about kids, 12, 14, even 17 year old kids.) No. It’s a simple case of a person wanting to bring a child into this world, and then deciding that they didn’t want, or have time, or even know how to be a parent (in which case, you need to swallow your pride and get help. Help for you and your child.)
Kids aren’t that complicated, they respond to you (the parent) and their surroundings. It’s your job as a parent to pay a-fuckin-tention to what’s going on in their world and help guide them through it. If you’re not up to the task, then you shouldn’t have had kids.
(The only time I would not blame the parent is in a case of actual mental illness, but even in that situation, the parent should know enough to get help for the child long before it becomes a serious problem.)
It breaks my heart to see and hear about these troubled youngsters and to hear people so easily excusing the parents and saying "Well, you just got a bad apple, it’s not your fault." Children didn’t ask to be here, they were brought here. And though it may be tough to hear, especially if you have a troubled child yourself, the truth is the truth, if you’re not going to do your job as a parent, then you can’t blame the child. Period.
I am so sick of hearing people say, "You can’t always blame the parents." To me, that’s a cop-out. Why the hell can’t you blame the parents? Are these kids suppose to raise themselves? (And yes, I'm talking about kids, 12, 14, even 17 year old kids.) No. It’s a simple case of a person wanting to bring a child into this world, and then deciding that they didn’t want, or have time, or even know how to be a parent (in which case, you need to swallow your pride and get help. Help for you and your child.)
Kids aren’t that complicated, they respond to you (the parent) and their surroundings. It’s your job as a parent to pay a-fuckin-tention to what’s going on in their world and help guide them through it. If you’re not up to the task, then you shouldn’t have had kids.
(The only time I would not blame the parent is in a case of actual mental illness, but even in that situation, the parent should know enough to get help for the child long before it becomes a serious problem.)
It breaks my heart to see and hear about these troubled youngsters and to hear people so easily excusing the parents and saying "Well, you just got a bad apple, it’s not your fault." Children didn’t ask to be here, they were brought here. And though it may be tough to hear, especially if you have a troubled child yourself, the truth is the truth, if you’re not going to do your job as a parent, then you can’t blame the child. Period.
posted by RT at 4:53 PM
21 Comments:
Two stories in particular came to mind as I was writing this, one was about a young black man who was shot to death by a Cincinnati Police Officer a few years ago (his mother always taught him to run from the cops.) I couldn't find that article, but I did find this one that was in today's paper:
http://news.enquirer.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20050820/NEWS01/508200368
What really stood out to me was the last part. The parents knew their son had a problem, and still allowed him to carry a weapon.
It's stuff like that that makes me want to scream! Why did they do that???
Fred, I admire you so much, buddy. You, and all the other teachers out there who are left to deal with these problem children. I can only imagine what it would be like to see things like this on a day to day basis. You have more patience, and more kindness in you than I probably ever will have...
And who says, RT doesn't court controversy? B) I actually agree with you on this one. I don't think parents can or should "control" their children but instill the values, the habits and the conscience for functioning in our world. There will be times when a parent is tested and not all of those trials have the predicted outcome. But, being there for the conflict and showing both sides of the issue in conversation is #1.
I praise teachers for the fact that they know there are parents that aren't there for their children and will take some extra effort outside of the class period to be a mentor to them.
OoOoh, gooood post! I'll be back. Actually, I think I'll do a post with my comment to you.
It sickens me these days how many "parents" bring children into the world but never discipline them. THen the world wonders why we have so many problems with the youth. After a while the kids do need to take some responsibility for their actions, so many cop out and say; "Oh, my mommy or daddy beat me..." As if its an excuse to turn around and beat their own children. I got smakced around a few times growing up and yelled at even more but I am not gonna turn around and beat the sh*t out of my children, whenever I happen to be party to creating some. THere is something to be said about common sense...of course, to me it seems as if people are getting more stupid as each day passes.
My, when you get mad, there's no stopping you!
I'm obviously in your court on this one. I deal with so many issues, and it almost always comes back to the parents. (Or, lack of them.)
I think you're ready for your teaching certificate.
So we are going to blame the parents for the ills of society? Can we blame the grandparents for not giving the parents the parenting skills that they needed? How about we just blame TV since it was the advent of TV and radio that stifled the lost art of family conversation and question and answer time. Just wait until the internet generation becomes parents, they won't talk to their kids at all, but they will google search and research every possible problem that their kids might have.
What do you about kids who openly flout their parents' authority? Send them to the streets?
I agree with you 99% of the time. (I have seen a parent try again and again to get help for their child to no avail).
It is a sad state of affairs when the parents don't care enough to be parents or they let the children raise themsleves.
First off, I'd like to thank those of you who are new to my blog. I always appreciate a fresh point of view. :o)
Now then, with the niceties out of the way...
Martin: I'm a little unclear on what you mean by "I don't think parents can or should "control" their children." I actually do think that there is a time during raising a child that you should and can control them. Mostly when they're young and at risk of being harmed (like stopping them from walking out in front of a car, or taking the knife out of their hand. Stuff like that may seem basic, but in a way, it's actually setting up the foundations of trust and discipline, so it seemed important to mention.)
Jenn: That's what I did to Fred, lol. Have at it!
Mike: I agree with you on that one! It can be a vicious cycle, that's why I think we should stop excusing these parents. If you haven't been over there yet, go check out Fred's blog, I've said a few things over there also that might help you guys get a better understanding of where 'we're' coming from. :o)
Vavoom: Why can't we? I mean, as long as we make sure no one is watching... *insert evil laughter here*
Fred: *continue evil laughter* Trust me, you don't want me around your kids.
EECW: I know your DNA should have stopped with your parents.
Christopher: No, you send them to the nearest JDC. That's where they're headed anyway. Why should others have to deal with the threat of your child (again, I'm generalizing, I not saying 'your' child, because obviously I don't know you.)
But! You do bring up a good point, and we'll get to that in a minute, so stay tuned...
Now, I'm talking to you guys assuming that we're all adults, and as an adult, I'm simply airing my grievance. I hear people say that kids need to take responsibility for their actions and I don't dispute that, (as long as they're given the proper tools to do so,) but what I don't hear enough people saying is that we, as adults, also have a responsibility to the younger generation. People complain about how these youngsters are out of control, but who let them get that way? We did.
I realize that there are cases where the problem lies with the child (mental and developmental problems beyond the parents control) but those cases are few and far between, and once it is determined, the kid are usually removed from the main stream so that they don't become a disrupted force.
It's the people who readily excuse parents (and parents who readily excuse themselves) without even considering the possibility that they may have made a mistake, that get under my skin. Believe it or not, I was once in that camp, and that's probably why it does bother me so much. I realize that attitude does not work. If it worked, we would be doing less complaining about the younger generation, not more.
In short, we are not fulfilling our responsibility, our obligations, to teach the youngsters how to deal with life. How do we criticize them for the way they fill in the blanks we leave? How do we expect them to blindly follow in our footsteps, when we don't even give them a clear path? Christopher, you mentioned kids who openly flout their parents' authority, but isn't that what we teach them when we tell them to do one thing, then let them do another? (Incidentally, I don't think it's such a bad thing for a child to question, or even revolt against authority. It's how they chose to do it, and why they chose to do it that we need to pay attention to because if it's not done properly, it's not going to get the desired results anyway, and only causes disruption.)
I've taken the time to think about this, to challenge what I thought I knew, and I was willing to rethink it, I wonder why people who have chosen to become parents aren't doing the same.
As for TV, video games, music, and those sort of influences, my first reaction is: Why are you letting your kids watch, play and listen to that stuff? Do you not know how to keep an eye on your kid? But of course, that argument doesn't even hold true when you think about it. If it were simply a matter of outside influences, then why are all the kids not gunning each other down in the streets? I can almost guarantee that all kids have had bad influences at some point in their life, why are they not reacting the same way, to the same influences? The difference is how they interpret those influences. It's the parents job to make sure their child can distinguish between right and wrong, reality and fantasy, and what have you.
I could go on and on, but my fingers are tired, so I'll leave you with those thoughts for now... Feel free to discuss!
I can't wait to get on this one! I have many posts planned. Usually I have nothing. Go me?
Hey, I know you're on. Just wanted to say. We should exchange IM's one day. 'Cause I would like to stalk you.
Hi Jenn!!! Yep, I noticed you were on too :o)
I'm looking forward to you putting up a post about this! Although, I think we've talked about it before (I know I commented about 'spankings' somewhere, I just can't find it, dammit) I'd like to hear a more about your views...
OK, I just downloaded Yahoo IM. I'm using my brainiaxcess ID, so come on and find me! :o)
Not Yahoo! I can't use Yahoo at work. Boo! Sorry.
I use AIM because I don't have to download anything and plus I have an AOL account. If you FEEL like signing up for an AIM account, it'd rock. Like I said, no downloads. And it's pretty decent. go to aim.com And at the top right hand corner click on "aim express." It'll walk you through from there.
Think it will conflict with the Yahoo?
OK, I did it on AIM. Same thing, brainiaxcess...
Not at all. But hey. I'm headed home. And I'm gonna hop online when I get there. If you're on, I'll sign into Yahoo. Though it's been years!!
Yahoo. ( * )
Oohay!
This one is a toughie b/c you're right...i think most of the time, the problem IS with the parent. However, I know first hand that it isn't always the case. I'm the oldest of 5 kids who all had the same parents, were all raised the same way, same rules, values, etc. But for some reason, 3 of us turned out to be hard working, reliable and sought education. The other two screwed around, dropped out of school and one got pregnant at 19. Don't ask me why.
Repeat from Fred's blog, Just for you rt!
Ok, I read the comments. Now here is my take on this.
I can't see how you expect children to respect their elders when we can't discipline them properly and consistently.
You might spank a kid at home but you can't spank a child in public - and they KNOW that! So they might be good at home but the minute you are at the store they are running around ramming carts into people, hollering for treats and toys and saying "you can't make me!" when you tell them to stop. The parent stands there, beaten, and the child romps on through the store.
Why is a child a pistol at home and sweet as an angel at Grama's house? Because Grama won't accept that kind of behavior and has showed the kid her word is good. If she says, settle down or no desert, there will be no desert. If the kid hits a sib in the head with a toy, a Grama is likely to snatch it from him and hit HIM in the head and say "Did that hurt? Don't hit people!"
Now a child knows when it is behaving in a socially unacceptable manner. They expect to be corrected. When they are not corrected they feel guilty but can't stop now - so they continue the behavior.
As they get older all these undisciplined offenses build up inside. They FEEL like they are bad kids and no one loves them enough to make them be good kids.
So they act even more badly but they start punishing themselves. You have cutters out there bleeding for attention and love. kids that make trouble just to see if someone cares enough for them to correct them. Sure, they hate detention, but they love the attention they got being bad. Some one CARED!
Showing them that they can get attention for being good takes time. Showing them you like them as a person, even when they do bad things, is hard. You have to be right on top of things. "Thank you for hanging up your coat" may seem pretty lame but they will feel good that you noticed. And how does "Pick up your d@#$@ coat and put it on the hook, stupid!" sound?
Discipline IS love! You care about a child enough to correct it so it does well in society as an adult.
Some times the "seat of learning" needs to be warmed to make a point. Maybe cleaning the crayons off the wall and washing the whole wall will do it. Or a time out. Or no TV for a week. What ever you use you are showing you care enough to let them "hate" you now so they have good lives later.
They will love you for it in the long run.
I will try to get to this on the blog, there is a lot more I want to say. Just let me add that YES, there are BAD kids - just born that way. I know 3 or 4 of them, one is a cousin. Same family, with 3 other kids, same life and just bad! Not everyone is a ray of sunshine.
It is not always the parents fault. It is always the parents responsibility. You have to make sure your child is not a threat to others. The cousin was taken to juvenile court and turned over to the state. They sent him to a home for hard cases. He joined the Army at 18. He is a functioning member of society and comes to see the family but is still no ray of sunshine.
Whoa! Thank you Valerie! :o)
(No need to steal it now. LoL)
You know, as much as I hate to admit it (I hate to see even one get away) I know that there are those kids that can't be reached, for whatever reason. But like you said, the problem has to be taken care of regardless.
As for bad kids in general, I'm really starting to wonder just how we are defining 'bad'. Are we calling them bad because they look or act differently than we expect? Is it because they test boundaries, or maybe have different goals than we have for them?
Linny, I don't mean to point fingers, but you gave such a good example... I hope you don't mind if I use it :o)
Just out of curiosity, where the two irresponsible ones middle children? I only ask because I'm a middle child, and oddly enough I had a much different childhood than my two sisters even though we were raised in the same house. The entire family marked me as the 'bad' kid because the role as Princess and Baby were already taken, lol. Growing up with that label did make me feel like there was something wrong with me... But of course, as an adult, I understand it better and can actually see where I've benefited from it.
OK, I'm going off in a totally different direction here so I'll cut myself short... But I would be interested in hearing more from you guys about what you define as a bad kid.
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