Houston, We Have A Problem...
Kids.
He's pro, I'm con. He's life, I'm choice.
This sucks.
He's pro, I'm con. He's life, I'm choice.
This sucks.
posted by RT at 4:57 PM
Saturday, February 18, 2006
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19 Comments:
I have actually heard the best response to being asked that before. "I'm Pro-Choice. I just choose Life." Personally, I'm rather undecided as I happen to believe circumstance is very important. I don't think having opposing views politically in a relationship is bad. If anything, it polarizes and helps reaffirm where you stand. Loving someone means you are willing to try to understand them not always agree with them.
Ooooo... Martin, sweetie, you know you are one of my favorites, because you say it like it is... But umm... Hmmm... Shoot. No comment.
Ugh!
I do not like being put in this position. And the fact that he may some day read this...
Ya know, political views and values are one thing, but when it comes to raising (IF) a child...
Man! I hope he's not serious about this.
I think this is something you can easily overcome. Adversity is the spice of life..or something like that. Just think if you agreed on everything all the time, that would be boring.
As for pro choice/life I am on the fence with this one. I could never go through with one myself, but I don't want the government to make that decision for me.
Nahhh this is an easy one, it deals with respect, as long as you repect the reasons for the other person's viewpoint (even as misguided as it might be) you are ok. Teri and I don't agree on everything, but we do respect each other's opinions.
Um. I might have said it wrong... (From what I understand,) He wants kids, I don't.
And he doesn't much care for 'contraceptives'...
I guess it comes down to, if I can't conceive, will he be gone?
Get it?
Sweetie, I got it and think it is a huge deal. In fact a deal breaker. BUT....you are young, and one of you may change your views about this. Oh damn it, why does it always seem so perfect and then a bomb gets dropped?
I do believe that if he is the one, you will both be in total agreement one way or antoher. I think this is the biggest issue to have resoved before considering marriage.
Hugs to you.
I do think it's a big deal, but you're not running off to get married tomorrow, right? Definitely something to resolve before a long term committment, but this is brand new, why dissect it right this nanosecond in time.
I didn't want children when I met my husband. Uh, yeah... that went my way one daughter later. I'm not saying you'll change your mind like I did, I'm just saying don't dig your feet in yet.
On one hand, such differences don't necessarily mean it's all for naught. Look at James Carville and Mary Matalin, about as far apart as possible on almost every issue ... yet a seemingly happy couple for a long time.
On the other hand, if it's something fundamental that is a major source of contention despite other feelings, it will lead to misery and ill will.
I am sorry to hear of this, but you should be happy if only when realizing that it's better known now than much later.
-- david
hmm that is a tough one. When Lloyd and I first got together we both wanted about 3 kids. After we had Josh, I was done. He still wants more even to this day and I don't. I feel really bad and guilty about it. He knows how I feel and I know how we feels and every once in a while we sit down and have the serious talk about it. My point is, we are still going strong even though we don't agree on this major issue.
Political disagreements is one thing...but deeply rooted ideas of morality is another.
I respect another person's opinion - and can get along fine with someone of a differing opinion. But on the other hand, if she believes is hitting her kids - that's a fundamental moral difference between us, and it just won't work.
He doesn't believe in the use of "contraceptives" then ask him to squeeze a football out of his anus.
Actually I am just trying to hold Teri to the agreement that we have 3. (chuckle)
Now that I understand where you were coming from on the post (and the veil has lifted,) I can see your dilemma better. Men have it pretty easy. For every day that I say, "isn't it nice to not have Kool-Aid stains on the carpet, bicycles in the driveway and someone waking you up in the middle of the night," there is a day I'd like those problems. I had a few girlfriends that felt like they were doing me some great disservice by keeping me even though they couldn't have another child. Each of them called off the relationship by coming to the rationalization that they were keeping me from something.
I think that if you air your feelings for not wanting a child (hereditary issues, PlayStation time allotment, fear of pain, a need to walk around the house nekkid or psychological fears) you will help yourself and him out. Also remember that you are good looking, have a right to be picky and not settle for less. B)
My personal take is that the 'kids' issue is a killer. If you are certain about your postion and he of his, then I think your best bet is to move on. This is a big life decision and not something I'd want to comprimise on.
I think an issue of more importance is WHY is he against contraceptives? I think in this day and age it is highly irresponsible and fairly reckless to not use a condom. REGARDLESS of the 'children' issue. There are diseases which go undetected for quite some time (i.e.:long after you've broken-up)which have the potential of being devastating. Would you want to risk that with ANYONE?
Someone who is unwilling to use contraception with someone (new)who has voiced her desire to remain childless is also showing his selfish side. To me, there is a much deeper issue here than kids vs. no kids.
People are programmed to want to have children and every one of the people that I've met who did not want children were weird; they're always (at least) mildly bitter and they had a space inside where they had removed an important, unselfish urge and replaced it with some flavor of empty, self centered pursuit.
I've seen the end to that road. One 60 year old woman I work with that had five kids would come in stressing about what her kids might be doing wrong, how she had to get family functions together, and paying for plane tickets to go visit grandkids while a different, childless 60 year old woman would come over to live vicariously through her stories.
It's either that way or the way of various others I've known where they don't have kids due to their own self centered hatred of humanity, and as they age their bitter hatred condenses into a mass so dense that every interaction with their fellow man is a painful affair to all parties.
I figured I'd break it to you easy.
whats wrong with not wanting to have children? who cares if its self centered? children are alot of responsibility and not everyone is cut out for that. there are people out there having children who shouldnt be able to. there are enough people procreating to keep the human race going. i dont think we are all programed to want to have children. if it makes me self centered not to want children because i dont want the responsibilities that come along with it and because i enjoy being free to do what i want then okay, i am happy to be self centered. but the way evil sandwich aires his oppinion makes it sound like it is wrong not to want to have children. life does not have to be "empty" people without children will not grow up to have "bitter hatred" for all of humanity just because they have no children thats was the dumbest thing i have ever read. as a matter of fact his entire post was idiotic and unfounded. dont judge the hole human race by what you see in your own back yard idiot!
Wow! All kinds of great comments!
Where to begin... Where to begin.
OK, Anonymous: Fear not! I do use protection, even though I know he doesn't like it. However, my main fear is whether he'll tamper with that protection or not. I mean, if he wants kids bad enough... It doesn't take much of a tear before we're in trouble.
Now you would think that if I distrusted a guy that much, I should probably not be with him, but what if it's just me being paranoid (which I've been known to be.)
ES: Please tell me you're being sarcastic. If not, then I'm going to have to agree with Rip.
I'm not self centered, and I don't hate humanity. I just know my own limitations. Wouldn't it be more selfish of me to have a child out of pure ego or some kind of 'keeping up with the Jones's' game, knowing that I couldn't care for it properly?
Here's the response I had for Martin, I just didn't get a chance to put it up yet. Maybe it will help you understand:
That's a big part of it, Martin. We did talk about it on the first date (at our age, there's not much time to put off important matters like that,) and I told him up front, no kids. He said that was fine. But after we talked about it again the other night, I suspect that he thinks I will change my mind a few years down the line, because his sister-in-law did and now she's sublimely happy with three kids.
But that's not me.
I mean, yeah, I may or may not change my mind later, but I probably won't, and can you base a relationship on 'probably'?
You know, I'm not a youngster anymore. All of my friends are telling me how great it is to have a baby (you have to have a baby,) but I can't help but to look at all the things that could possibly go wrong, on top of the things that I know will be extremely difficult, with having a child.
I'm 37 years old, and I haven't even started saving for my retirement yet. What? I'm going to throw the cost of raising a child and saving for a college fund on top of that? We would both have to work constantly (no time to raise the child properly) just to fit it all in! That would have been tough enough when I was in my 20's, but in my 40's and 50's? That's assuming that I have a healthy, perfect baby, which is never a guarantee, but even less so the older you get. And, that's assuming that Mike and I stay together, or at least both contribute to raising the child (also never a guarantee.)
Then there are the different values that we have. The differences are fine if it's just the two of us, but if you're raising a child, you have to come together on some of that stuff. And that's not including all of my personal phobias that could really mess up a kid!
I've had people tell me that I'm thinking too far ahead and freaking myself out of something that could be a wonderful experience, but in my mind, I don't think many people put enough thought into having kids. That's why we have so many screwed up kids, and adults. I just don't want to be a part of continuing that cycle.
Linny: As much as I like your idea >:) LoL. I could just break up with him.
I guess it depends what you want - a short term relationship, or a long term one. Long term, it seems like it's doomed.
I know two girls that got pregnant because of protection tempering. One guy poked holes through the condom while still in the wrapper with a needle.
The other guy said he had one on, but he really didn't.
See, that's the kind of answer I was hoping to get. B)
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